Heartbreak is the reason

Today I realised something about first love. I’m sure everybody has a first love. Everyone knows what I’m talking about when I say first love. First love..

I realised that who you are now has a lot to do with how your first love ended up. How much you dare to trust, how much you’re willing to give up of yourself to please someone else, how strong you are and how confident you are. These are factors that make you who you are. And these are factors that depend on the story of your first love. The story, or shall I say, the history of your first love.

Heartbreak makes us. Heartbreak shapes us. It’s not love that we remember always, it’s heartbreak. Just ask yourself this: what do I remember most about my first love? What do I remember most about my first true relationship? You think it’s the good times but I believe if you think deep and honest enough, you’ll find that your first love will always be memorable because of the heartbreak you feel everytime you think of that time in your life.

It might even be impossible to truly get ovet your first love. How can we say goodbye to something so important? There is no way to do that. How happy we were is nowhere near the stage of how unhappy we were after. He might have cheated, he might have decided to go abroad, he might have not loved back. The reason it ended is important, but to be honest, the most important fact here is that it ended. The first one, the one you thought would be forever. The one you thought to be invincible. It just ended.

Ask yourself this too: when I feel emotianally under the weather, how many times have I thought about going back to my first love? Don’t tell me it’s not at least 95% of the depressed periods. And you know why? Because I think I do. It’s because only during your first time were you virgin. Only during that time were you unconditionally with someone. Only during that time did you not think about the consequences it will have on your life and only during that time were you able to love so deeply.

It wasn’t even love, you say to yourself. Because everytime you fall in love again, that love feels a lot more mature. Everytime you dare to love again, you feel more mature. But what you forget, is that kids are honest and innocent. And you can no longer tell that about yourself. Because it ended in heartbreak. It ended in disappointment, not only in your partner but in yourself too. That heartbreak is what pushes you down the stairs and lets you rot in the basement. That first heartbreak is why you learn to build walls, that first heartbreak is the reason why you couldn’t just move.

That heartbreak is the reason today you live the life.

Letting go of heart-shaped balloons

Is totally not the same as letting go of people you love. See that’s a reason why nobody should like American series. I do love them but why? They tend to make life look a lot easier. Not life, I’m sorry, but emotions.

Emotions. What a word. We talk about emotions, we share emotions, we read about emotions, we deny emotions. Our life and our emotions are basically so attached, they should be the same. But they aren’t. Why, you might ask? Because life is bigger than emotions? Bullshit man, you know as much as I do, that that’s not true. So why than? I ask again. Nobody? Okay well, let me tell you what I think.

Emotions, feelings – these are the things that control just as much as we believe to control them. We couldn’t.