Tag Archives: sex

I am terrified

Whoever said freedom is better, clearly did not care about the hardness of it.

Lilly Allen is singing “I need someone to rely on” in the background – really nice audio by Spotify sessions btw -, and I cannot help but feel absolutely right about my decision to let him go, let him be with whoever he wants to be with.

It became quite clear that he does not want to be with me, so why should we stick together? We are having a kid, yes. We live in different countries now, yes. So? Should I raise my kid with a constant reminder of why? Because for now, that’s all he is. Love as I know it cannot be like that. Love is action, love is words, love is kept promises. He is nothing like that. At all.

So it is my responsibility to realize, love will be given by someone else or for the time being, only by me. And I can only prey to God that he creates an unexplainable hole in his heart and that his love will grow in time. Relying on someone is possible and I intend to be the example of it’s possibility to my child.

But this blog is not about my child. It is about me. And I am dead at this moment. No matter how right I am, no matter how right my anger is, letting him go was harder than I thought it would be. Not because my eternal love can’t handle losing someone else, but because freedom right now seems like it’s going to stick forever.

I can’t possibly go back to having sex with different guys who like me but don’t love me. I can’t possibly go back to wanting sex from everyone. And I am terrified that that is exactly what’s going to happen.

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Sex changes everything

Indeed it does. Either it makes a relationship better or worse, or just makes a relationship. Or not.

When two people are in love, they can conquer anything. But if the sex isn’t good enough, their relationship is doomed. And conquering just falls out the window. If they’re not in love, but the sex is heavenly, they might fall in love with each other after their bodies did. So it changes everything.

But what happens, when they don’t know yet? What if they don’t wait? What if one loves another, however the other doesn’t love one. What if one wants a relationship, and the other one just wants the body parts? What happens then?

I met a boy. He was extremely charming and funny, so yeah, I kinda had a thing for him. But when I want someone to be my boyfriend, I make them wait. Not for too long, just a little. To see deeper. But the boy wanted sex and he kept saying things that – after about one and a half days – led to sex. And what I realized after, is that sex changes everything. Now what I feel? I don’t know. But definately lost most of my interest in him. Having sex with him made him one of many. So now, how can I feel anything for someone who is exactly like a hundred others? Now I look at his face and mostly I see someone I had. I see a night, a morning and nothing else. What should I have done?

I know. I should’ve said no. And I did. Like a thousand times. But he kept praying my pants off. And you know what? I don’t care, or at least I don’t want to care about the fact that we became a one-night stand. After a while I just said ‘You know what? Fuck you. I’m done. Let’s fuck.’. And the thing is that I just wanted him to stop. Although it felt good that he wants me and not the other 20 girls lurking around him like puppies. But was it worth it? I don’t know. I just know that in spite of the fact that I had an orgasm, I really don’t feel satisfied. And yeah. Sex changed everything. Before, I looked at him and all I could see was his ridiculously cute smile. Now, I don’t know what I’m seeing anymore. The smile is still there, the face is still there but we look at each other differently.

So I don’t know anything anymore. What do I want? Who do I want? Maybe all this is just again about searching love. Sex is good. But be careful. It has consequences.

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