So what the fuck did I expect when I made this decision hmm?
Well I never expected I would feel so alone and I never expected I would miss those stupid good morning and good night messages that kept us together. I never expected I would want to go back to the way thing were before. I never expected that I would ever again believe that he could change or that he would finally realize that I am exactly what he needs in his life. I never expected that I would be as dumb as to have faith in him again, never expected I would wake up feeling the empty space he left in me, I never expected anything.
I wanted the anger and emotional sickness to end. I wanted to end my suffering so I did the only thing I could possibly do in that position. I called upon Mary, the angel of emotional death to end the pain. I expected that with the injection it would just go away, puuph, disappear into thin air and never come back again. I was willing to be the stone wall without any feelings in this matter and I expected myself to become that wall. I expected relief and joy in finally being able to breath. From myself, I expected a good recovery with being that part of my surgically removed. From myself, I expected a smile.
If you want my advice, never ever trust your expectations. They ones that you listen to constantly change, but the ones that are true are buried so deep down that you can never dare listen to them. If you want my advice, turn off your humanity when you are forced to make a decision by your own body and mind. Your body will cheat you just as easily as your mind does. Do not trust, my man. If anything, I learned from this decision that when you have to think about it, it’s already screwed and you will be left with the barest expectations you have buried deep down. And then when you feel the sun on your skin again for a moment, clouds come and the rain is starting to pour down on your shoulders and you get so wet, your body becomes the heaviest weight you ever had to keep holding onto and you get to place, where it’s just Fifty shades darker – I just wanna keep calling your name, until you come back home.