Tag Archives: love

I am terrified

Whoever said freedom is better, clearly did not care about the hardness of it.

Lilly Allen is singing “I need someone to rely on” in the background – really nice audio by Spotify sessions btw -, and I cannot help but feel absolutely right about my decision to let him go, let him be with whoever he wants to be with.

It became quite clear that he does not want to be with me, so why should we stick together? We are having a kid, yes. We live in different countries now, yes. So? Should I raise my kid with a constant reminder of why? Because for now, that’s all he is. Love as I know it cannot be like that. Love is action, love is words, love is kept promises. He is nothing like that. At all.

So it is my responsibility to realize, love will be given by someone else or for the time being, only by me. And I can only prey to God that he creates an unexplainable hole in his heart and that his love will grow in time. Relying on someone is possible and I intend to be the example of it’s possibility to my child.

But this blog is not about my child. It is about me. And I am dead at this moment. No matter how right I am, no matter how right my anger is, letting him go was harder than I thought it would be. Not because my eternal love can’t handle losing someone else, but because freedom right now seems like it’s going to stick forever.

I can’t possibly go back to having sex with different guys who like me but don’t love me. I can’t possibly go back to wanting sex from everyone. And I am terrified that that is exactly what’s going to happen.

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Knocked up

You know that feeling when someone you care about is close to you yet seems far-far away? I know that feeling. And that someone is actually far-far away, not only with his heart, but his body and his mind as well. Guess what… I’m totally screwed.

I mean, how can I say that? I’m having a baby boy in a few weeks from now, I have a wonderful family, amazing brothers, amazing parent(s). Heck, my life should be crazy happy. There is only this tiny little problem, that I call daddy. Because the baby daddy is not a baby daddy.

What should I say? We met, he was there, 982 km away from me, we met a couple of times and at one point we got so lazy and so not responsible, that this baby thing happened. This baby thing changed my life – to be hones, in a good way. I already love him more than anything I have ever loved. So don’t judge me, for calling him a baby thing. But this is not about him now, this is about me and the baby daddy.

How should I have strength for anything when the only one who could be my true partner in this is staying in the shadows? Those fucking shadows.. I am growing to hate those. You know, ever since I met baby daddy, I have known that our story will be filled with disappointments, filled with tears and filled with so little happiness, one can hardly imagine.. I have always known. I can’t imagine my life without that man, I can’t imagine cutting my ties with him. This is what I get for having the time of my life in the past 2 decades.

But no matter how hard I try to bear the heavy weights, I am getting tired, am I getting frustrated and I am getting extremely sad about the very thing that brought the change I have been waiting for.

My baby might be the best thing that could have happened to me, but my baby daddy might be the worst. How and where do I find the strength to be alone in that relationship? What is the right move? Should I rebel or should I shut up? Should I be myself or should I be someone else? Should I define myself as his subject or should I dare to step up? Will he ever be mine? Will he ever look at me the way I look at him? Will he ever want me to be his family or will we always be the bastards?

See? Not so easy after all. Too many questions to handle at once. My head is exploding and no matter how hard I try to stand, I feel the floor trembling underneath me feet.


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Said the Raven: nevermore.

But I would very much like to ask this raven: nevermore what?

Nevermore love. Bullshit. Nobody can live without loving. And I really don’t wanna sound cheesy when I write this down. But seriously. What is life without love? Of course, we think it is possible to live a life without love but if we dig deep down, we realize that love is the fucking center of everything, and I mean e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Every choice you have to make, every person you make contact with, every family, every friendship, every fucking shopping is about love. The love you feel for others and the love you feel for yourself. Even when you color your nails orange, it’s out of love. Love for spring, love for someone who asked you to do it or love for yourself because it makes you happier.

And that’s just the common love. Let’s not forget about the fact that we all search our love of the life, every relationship we’re in, every date we have, every lifechanging thing we do is about searching for the one. We tend to forget that. We make up stories, like ‘who needs a partner when I have such good friends’ or ‘being hurt doesn’t worth it’ but we know deep down that these sentences we say are bullshit. Wherever I look, I found that people are searching for their soulmates, they wanna find someone special, they wanna know what all the fuss is about.

And yes. Love can hurt. Big time. Anybody can get their heart broken into billions of little peaces. But do we stop? Maybe, for a while, until we realize, we never really stopped. You can build up endless layers of walls onto your soul (heart) but honestly, if you stop for a minute with the bullshit, you’ll realize that you’re just craving for someone to destroy those walls.

All anybody wants is love. So dear raven, if you think that you can live your life without love, here’s something I have to tell you: you just simply can’t. I understand why you don’t wanna think about love at all, however, I also know that fighting something proves the existence of that something. And in our case that something is simply the need to love and to be loved. We can lie as much as we want but those two things are the reason why we don’t kill ourselves. Because we always have hope that the one will eventually come, no matter how old we are.

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Love always comes with a price.

Or at least that’s what Annie said in 90210. Of course, she got a huge check after every night spent with her knight so in her case yeah. We could say that love always comes with a price. But is it true?

I mean after a while we all learn that love is indeed painful usually, however, I’m not sure we could say it comes with a price. You have several options but let’s face it – you’re either happy and loved back or not. In the first scenario the price of love is basically your sanity. I was in love once, or at least I thought I was, and let me tell you honestly that my brain just stopped working. I couldn’t focus on my studies, I couldn’t focus on my work and I couldn’t even focus on myself. When you love and you’re loved back, there’s nothing keeping you on the ground. People who think it’s possible, are lying. Because what is love if not the feeling of flying? And if you’re capable of flying, well there’s nothing anyone can do to keep on the mud we call Earth.

The second scenario is when you love but you don’t get it back. That just simply sucks. I mean let’s face it, there are not so many things that suck more than loving someone unconditionally and not getting back that big blue loving eyes of your love of the life. Of course, normally we think that whoever we love truly, will be the love of our lives. Because in that time during our life, he or she is the one and only. So if we wanna talk about price, then there’s that. The possibility of being able to fly. If my love of my life doesn’t love me back than he takes away my hope of ever being able to fly.

Have you ever wondered about your ability to love? Well that’s the ultimate price. Because loving someone might be common these days but I am quite sure true love is rare. (Although I have to say people keep surprising me with their storis nowadays..) What I’m saying is that for me, the biggest price I had to pay for love was the doubt. Can I love someone? Am I capable of staying faithul to someone til death do us part? Will I ever know what it means to love someone unconditionally? Will I ever meet someone with whom I wanna spend the rest of my life? Even after having my heart broken into a thousand pieces because of this crazy little thing called love, I have doubt. After all, I did kiss someone while being in a relationship. And don’t get me wrong, I loved him with all my heart. Or at least I think I did. But did I?

Today I almost confessed my love to someone. Later I thought about it, and in one hour my plan to call him and confess changed into a voice in my head that said: ‘Are you out of your mind?! You don’t love him, why do you always feel the urge to love somebody? Can’t you just not mess up a perfectly normal relationship for once?!’

And that voice was perfectly right. Because my plan to confess my love was only brought up because I am once again in doubt about my ability to be someone’s other half.

So that’s it. Maybe Annie was right. Love does come with a price. Even if it’s not cash or check. It’s just our personality.

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