Shaky and unsure

You suffer for a while, waiting for the moment to break out. Then you realize, there will be no breakout. Slowly you leave your childhood behind and become someone you don’t recognize anymore.

You’re becoming an adult, something you were always considered to be but never really were.

Life now means something totally different, something shaky and unsure. The beginning of the future, the time when you start count down and not up.

Like an earthquake, that’s how it feels.

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Itt és most

Ott mindent akkor és úgy élek meg, ahogy van, nem gondolkodom, csak cselekszem

nincs múlt, nincs jövő, jelen van, amiben nincsenek hibák, csak lépések, nincsenek rossz döntések, csak kellemetlen pillanatok.

Ott élek, az vagyok, aki lenni akarok egy-egy pillanatban. Most az vagyok, aki lenni akarok az életben. Melyik a jobb?

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Decode

Surrounded with friends and family, yet feeling absolute numbness in yourself. That is what I call solitude.
No wonder nobody understands, no matter how hard they try, to understand what your eyes are saying when even you can’t figure out.

Decode. All you want is to decode yourself, to decide, to know what your thoughts mean. Or just to know what your thoughts are. Is it possible to be aware? Or you just accept the defeat and give up the war? Maybe waiting it out is the solution? Or do you have to fight harder? Is there any chance to win all by yourself? Is there any chance to win at all?

You want to do so much, yet you do absolutely nothing. You make decisions without ever really knowing about the consequences. You say things, you do things, you feel things. Always seeing ambivalents. Drives me nuts.

No beginning, no ending. Just the constant whatever it is. But it is constant. Permanent. Never fades away or disappears. Does it make any sense? I doubt so.

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A múlásért könyörögni

Este azt gondoltam, inkább a nem hiszekből legyen, mint a leszből nem. Ezért nem hiszek.

Hogy a mámor tette-e vagy sem, azt már sosem fogom megtudni. De ez talán nem is olyan fontos. Mert éreztem azt, amit eddig csak egyetlen ember érintése idézett elő. Éreztem a bizsergést, amit csak egyetlen ember simítása után éreztem. Egy csók a halántékon, egy kedves becézés. Ha tudta volna, ha tudtam volna, sose fekszünk egymás mellé. Ha tudná, sose látott volna meg. Ha értené tagadná, ha látná futna. Ha hallaná, megijedne.

Ha kérné, azt csak úgy nem kapná, de ha megkérdezné, többé nem értené. Hiába a kolera, itt nincsen se hajó, se biztos tudás. Itt hiába a pöttöm, olyan ritka dobbanás, az csak félelem és reszketés, egy veszélyeztetett terhesség. Örvendeznem kéne, de csak a merengésig jutottam. Úgy szerettem, ahogy csak Őt, úgy kívántam, ahogy csak Őt, és jobban félek tőle, mint tűz a víztől, mint a láng a csepptől.

Ha tudod, hogy a gyerek ki se nyithatja a szemét, fogod-e őt szeretni a halálig? Van-e választásod?

Mit csinálsz a fával, ha tudod, hogy a gyümölcse mérgezett? Kivágod gyökerestül vagy vársz egy életen át? Honnan tudod hogy elég erős vagy minden mérgezett harapáshoz? Honnan tudod, hogy a híd elég erős és nem szakad be a talpad alatt? Bízol-e még abban az egy szem gyümölcsben?

A múlásért könyörgöm, miközben a gyümölcs egyre nagyobb lesz. A gyümölcs erősen kapaszkodik, nem enged. Ott kell hagynom, vagy így kell szeretnem?

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being avarage

Is it enough? A few vodkasodas with lots of lime and a cappucino that looks amazing? Is it enough to be happy? To enjoy life? I come here all the time. Having lunch, drinking my regulars. And it surprised me how good it makes me feel. Not just the fact, that the people working here recognise me, but also the servic I get. Is it the alcohol maybe? Or is it just them? That they make you feel beloved. Beloved guest and worker. Should this be on my thombstone? Because other than that I don’t feel to be anything.

Beloved daughter, sure. Beloved friend, sure. But these sentences could be true to everyone. How am I special or, should I ask, am I special at all?

We all try so hard to be special. Doesn’t it just make us avarage?

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Heartbreak is the reason

Today I realised something about first love. I’m sure everybody has a first love. Everyone knows what I’m talking about when I say first love. First love..

I realised that who you are now has a lot to do with how your first love ended up. How much you dare to trust, how much you’re willing to give up of yourself to please someone else, how strong you are and how confident you are. These are factors that make you who you are. And these are factors that depend on the story of your first love. The story, or shall I say, the history of your first love.

Heartbreak makes us. Heartbreak shapes us. It’s not love that we remember always, it’s heartbreak. Just ask yourself this: what do I remember most about my first love? What do I remember most about my first true relationship? You think it’s the good times but I believe if you think deep and honest enough, you’ll find that your first love will always be memorable because of the heartbreak you feel everytime you think of that time in your life.

It might even be impossible to truly get ovet your first love. How can we say goodbye to something so important? There is no way to do that. How happy we were is nowhere near the stage of how unhappy we were after. He might have cheated, he might have decided to go abroad, he might have not loved back. The reason it ended is important, but to be honest, the most important fact here is that it ended. The first one, the one you thought would be forever. The one you thought to be invincible. It just ended.

Ask yourself this too: when I feel emotianally under the weather, how many times have I thought about going back to my first love? Don’t tell me it’s not at least 95% of the depressed periods. And you know why? Because I think I do. It’s because only during your first time were you virgin. Only during that time were you unconditionally with someone. Only during that time did you not think about the consequences it will have on your life and only during that time were you able to love so deeply.

It wasn’t even love, you say to yourself. Because everytime you fall in love again, that love feels a lot more mature. Everytime you dare to love again, you feel more mature. But what you forget, is that kids are honest and innocent. And you can no longer tell that about yourself. Because it ended in heartbreak. It ended in disappointment, not only in your partner but in yourself too. That heartbreak is what pushes you down the stairs and lets you rot in the basement. That first heartbreak is why you learn to build walls, that first heartbreak is the reason why you couldn’t just move.

That heartbreak is the reason today you live the life.

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Letting go of heart-shaped balloons

Is totally not the same as letting go of people you love. See that’s a reason why nobody should like American series. I do love them but why? They tend to make life look a lot easier. Not life, I’m sorry, but emotions.

Emotions. What a word. We talk about emotions, we share emotions, we read about emotions, we deny emotions. Our life and our emotions are basically so attached, they should be the same. But they aren’t. Why, you might ask? Because life is bigger than emotions? Bullshit man, you know as much as I do, that that’s not true. So why than? I ask again. Nobody? Okay well, let me tell you what I think.

Emotions, feelings – these are the things that control just as much as we believe to control them. We couldn’t.

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Sex changes everything

Indeed it does. Either it makes a relationship better or worse, or just makes a relationship. Or not.

When two people are in love, they can conquer anything. But if the sex isn’t good enough, their relationship is doomed. And conquering just falls out the window. If they’re not in love, but the sex is heavenly, they might fall in love with each other after their bodies did. So it changes everything.

But what happens, when they don’t know yet? What if they don’t wait? What if one loves another, however the other doesn’t love one. What if one wants a relationship, and the other one just wants the body parts? What happens then?

I met a boy. He was extremely charming and funny, so yeah, I kinda had a thing for him. But when I want someone to be my boyfriend, I make them wait. Not for too long, just a little. To see deeper. But the boy wanted sex and he kept saying things that – after about one and a half days – led to sex. And what I realized after, is that sex changes everything. Now what I feel? I don’t know. But definately lost most of my interest in him. Having sex with him made him one of many. So now, how can I feel anything for someone who is exactly like a hundred others? Now I look at his face and mostly I see someone I had. I see a night, a morning and nothing else. What should I have done?

I know. I should’ve said no. And I did. Like a thousand times. But he kept praying my pants off. And you know what? I don’t care, or at least I don’t want to care about the fact that we became a one-night stand. After a while I just said ‘You know what? Fuck you. I’m done. Let’s fuck.’. And the thing is that I just wanted him to stop. Although it felt good that he wants me and not the other 20 girls lurking around him like puppies. But was it worth it? I don’t know. I just know that in spite of the fact that I had an orgasm, I really don’t feel satisfied. And yeah. Sex changed everything. Before, I looked at him and all I could see was his ridiculously cute smile. Now, I don’t know what I’m seeing anymore. The smile is still there, the face is still there but we look at each other differently.

So I don’t know anything anymore. What do I want? Who do I want? Maybe all this is just again about searching love. Sex is good. But be careful. It has consequences.

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Said the Raven: nevermore.

But I would very much like to ask this raven: nevermore what?

Nevermore love. Bullshit. Nobody can live without loving. And I really don’t wanna sound cheesy when I write this down. But seriously. What is life without love? Of course, we think it is possible to live a life without love but if we dig deep down, we realize that love is the fucking center of everything, and I mean e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g. Every choice you have to make, every person you make contact with, every family, every friendship, every fucking shopping is about love. The love you feel for others and the love you feel for yourself. Even when you color your nails orange, it’s out of love. Love for spring, love for someone who asked you to do it or love for yourself because it makes you happier.

And that’s just the common love. Let’s not forget about the fact that we all search our love of the life, every relationship we’re in, every date we have, every lifechanging thing we do is about searching for the one. We tend to forget that. We make up stories, like ‘who needs a partner when I have such good friends’ or ‘being hurt doesn’t worth it’ but we know deep down that these sentences we say are bullshit. Wherever I look, I found that people are searching for their soulmates, they wanna find someone special, they wanna know what all the fuss is about.

And yes. Love can hurt. Big time. Anybody can get their heart broken into billions of little peaces. But do we stop? Maybe, for a while, until we realize, we never really stopped. You can build up endless layers of walls onto your soul (heart) but honestly, if you stop for a minute with the bullshit, you’ll realize that you’re just craving for someone to destroy those walls.

All anybody wants is love. So dear raven, if you think that you can live your life without love, here’s something I have to tell you: you just simply can’t. I understand why you don’t wanna think about love at all, however, I also know that fighting something proves the existence of that something. And in our case that something is simply the need to love and to be loved. We can lie as much as we want but those two things are the reason why we don’t kill ourselves. Because we always have hope that the one will eventually come, no matter how old we are.

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Singing with the rain

Or, I could also say, swimming with the flow. Because you, my friend, are in a huge river, and there is nothing you could do to turn back. – yes, sometimes I like to talk about myself and call me ‘my friend’..

So at night you want to confess your love to someone very important to you, than 24 hours later, you break every connection with him. Why? Because I’m not a psychich and I have absolutely no idea about other people’s thoughts or appearantly I have no idea about other people’s reactions.

Okay. So you have a few somebody in your life. At the same time. But that’s okay. They all know the harsh truth and accept it, so you can just enjoy all the good this thing we call life gave you. So yo’re enjoying it, but then the best friend makes a move and you realize: wow, he’s a lot more important. Then you decide not to tell him, because that’s the mature thing to do, however, he finds out from the BF. And you expect him to be a little angry and jealous but he’s not. And then you feel sorry for yourself, break up the reltionship you two had, and meet other people, exactly his age but nowhere near like him. And you like it. Although you did’t forget about him, not even for a second but you still feel safer.

So that’s it. Your heart gets broken – or something like that – and you find someone to make the pain go away. And it does get better. Now I know why people use each other. It’s easy. To use their pain.

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